Comedy Central HD Schedule, Today (United Kingdom)

No-one writes sharper jokes and no-one delivers them better than Jimmy. He commands his audience with twisted little aphorisms, with no-one escaping his biting wit and take-no-prisoners approach.

Cartman locks horns with his mom and has a battle of wills, while an epic conflict threatens South Park's very existence.

Ricky, Stephen and Karl discuss Karl's theory on how museums procure items. Also, Karl pitches his new idea for a film about a man whose brain is transplanted into Tom Cruise's body. (S3, E01)

After Stephen recalls being the only kid in his school to dress in a costume for Comic Relief Day, Karl shares his idea that there should be one, and only one, charitable cause per year. (S3, E02)

Raising The Bar: Cartman finally accepts he's more than just "big boned", entering the world of the obese and reality TV. Can James Cameron save us all from this lowering of standards? (S16, E09)

Going Native: When Butters starts acting up at school, his parents realize it's time for him to go abroad and learn the ways of his people. Kenny will help him on his rights of passage! (S16, E11)

A Nightmare On FaceTime: Randy is excited to buy the bargain of the century - a Blockbuster video rental store for $10,000! But all is not as it seems at this isolated, wintry place. (S16, E12)

Sara Pascoe, alongside team captains Alan Davies & Darren Harriott, welcome Chris Kamara, Alex Jones, Kerry Godliman, and Lou Sanders into the loft to play an array of guessing games. (S2, E03)

Teleshopping.

Teleshopping.

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Comedian Darren Harriott narrates a fresh new batch of the funniest clips out there. In this week's family-friendly fails, expect out-of-control motorists and our guide to walking on ice. (S5, E11)

Comedian Darren Harriott narrates a fresh new batch of the funniest clips out there. In this week's family-friendly fails, we show you how to style it out when you come a cropper. (S5, E12)

Sara Pascoe, alongside team captains Alan Davies & Darren Harriott, welcome Jason Manford, Clare Balding, Russell Kane, and Dane Baptiste into their loft to play an array of guessing games. (S1, E01)

The guys work as receptionists in a waiting room, and try to mingle with the stiff crowd at a famous wax museum. This week's punishment is a chopper ride from hell. (S9, E01)

The guys work at Unique Copy Centre, give bizarre interviews with moviegoers, and stand up for ridiculous protests on the streets. (S9, E02)

Pilot: Tim makes the dishwasher more powerful. Jill has a job interview. (S1, E01)

Mow Better Blues: Tim is tuning up his ride-on lawnmower, Jill is making the boys donate unnecessary stuff for a rummage sale and Mark breaks his dad's precious 20-year-old torque wrench. (S1, E02)

Shoveling Snow: After a big snowstorm, Eve is thrilled because now she can start her annual snow shoveling business. But then she finds out her neighbour has beaten her to it... (S3, E07)

Vanessa Fixes Kyle: Since Vanessa is feeling guilty after encouraging Mandy to break up with the sometimes clueless Kyle, she is determined to mend things... (S3, E08)

Jimmy Carr and Katherine Ryan host the gameshow that puts couples to the test. Kaio and Modina will be forced to judge all kinds of faces for the chance to win thousands of pounds. (S1, E08)

Jimmy Carr and Katherine Ryan host the gameshow that puts couples to the test. Jodie-Ann and Andrew will be forced to judge all kinds of faces for the chance to win thousands of pounds. (S1, E10)

The One Without The Ski Trip: Ross and Rachel compete to spend time with their other friends. When a lonely Ross is excluded from Rachel's ski trip with her pals, he visits Carol. (S3, E17)

The One With The Hypnosis Tape: Monica gets a tip from an admirer worth a small fortune. Meanwhile, a hypnosis tape makes Chandler act like a woman. Guest starring Jon Favreau. (S3, E18)

The One With The Tiny T-Shirt: Rachel goes on her first date since her breakup with Ross. Monica dates Pete the billionaire, even though she is still not attracted to him. (S3, E19)

The One With The Dollhouse: Joey thinks he's found his true love. Rachel's boss dates Chandler, creating big trouble for Rachel and Monica inherits a dollhouse. (S3, E20)

The One With A Chick And A Duck: When Pete buys a restaurant, Monica must decide whether to accept his offer of employment there. Meanwhile, Joey and Chandler adopt a duck and a chick. (S3, E21)

The One With The Screamer: Ross thinks that Rachel's date (guest-star Ben Stiller) is crazy. Joey falls in love with Kate, but when she's offered a job in Los Angeles, she takes it. (S3, E22)

The One With Ross's Thing: Ross finds a strange growth on his buttocks and Phoebe can't choose between two guys. Meanwhile, Monica's boyfriend surprises her by not proposing...(S3, E23)

The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champion: Phoebe sets Ross up on a date with a woman who used to be bald. Robin Williams and Billy Crystal guest star. (S3, E24)

The One At The Beach: The gang goes to the beach. Phoebe meets a family friend with links to her family's past and Ross discovers that Rachel still loves him. (S3, E25)

The One With The Jellyfish: Ross dates Rachel again after unwittingly agreeing to take responsibility for their breakup. Meanwhile, Monica gets stung by a jellyfish. (S4, E01)

The One With The Cat: Phoebe believes that the cat that jumped into her guitar case in Central Perk contains the spirit of her adoptive mum. (S4, E02)

The One With The 'Cuffs: Monica tries to prove that she can cater a gourmet meal for her mother. Meanwhile, Chandler gets into an embarrassing situation while dating Rachel's boss. (S4, E03)

The One With The Ballroom Dancing: Joey teaches the building superintendent ballroom dancing in order to prevent him from evicting Rachel and Monica. (S4, E04)

The One With Joey's New Girlfriend: Joey thinks that Chandler hates Joey's new girlfriend, Kathy. However, little does he know, it's exactly the opposite. (S4, E05)

The One With The Dirty Girl: Ross's new girlfriend seems nearly perfect until he discovers that her apartment is incredibly dirty. Chandler becomes more familiar with Joey's girlfriend. (S4, E06)

The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line: Chandler is guilt-ridden after kissing Kathy. Ross starts playing the keyboard again and everyone apart from Phoebe thinks he's terrible. (S4, E07)

...Unemployed. The Aussie Jokers ask unsuspecting dental patients to open and say Arrrghh!!! The boys are dental assistants and their behaviour is highly unprofessional. (S1, E07)

Scottish comedian Kevin Bridges muses on economic theory, art history and diet tips on stage in front of 12,000 fans at the SSE Hydro in Glasgow.

Nothing makes you better at succeeding than failing. KG Tha Comedian inspires you to become a better you, by embracing the moments you are a failing you. FAILURE = SUCCESS. (S1, E01)

Go behind the scenes at South Park Studios with Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and see how an episode is created - in just six days.